4 Ways To keep your relationship healthy after having kids

Remember those first few months with the new baby? (Or is it a blur now?) Between diaper and never-ending sleep deprivation and the many changes and decoding all of the various cries, adjusting to life as new parents is exhausting, to say the least.

Your pre-kid days probably feel like ancient history now, and/or priorities have shifted now to keeping track of diaper changes and showering more than once a week. Life isn't exactly worse than in those pre-kid days; It’s just different now. If you are anything like me, you’ll see the world and everything else differently, let alone dangers all over the place. Yes, that protective motherly instinct also kicks in!

Having children brings a lot of new challenges, but at the same time, those sweet coos, smiles, and giggles make it all worth it. Kids teach us to have fun again, remind us to laugh, and bring out the best versions of ourselves. I know my sin has taught me a whole lot!!

As our little ones grow, the challenges change once again, and it's up to you and your partner to tackle them as a team. Which is easier said than done. Just as your lifestyle changes after childbirth, so do your relationships with your partner or family members. Parenting adds a constant rotation of new obstacles to hurdle, and that's difficult to do when you both have the energy level of a sloth. You're either one of those couples that are hands-on with everything or struggle through every little detail.

If you feel like you and your partner have hit a rough patch since having kids, you're not alone! With the help of reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist Dr. Carly Snyder and interviews with real-life couples, we break down life after kids and how to make time to reconnect.

The Most Common Child-Related Arguments  

Ok, It doesn't take a genius to see trouble in a marriage after kids; yes, we ALL go through some rough moments. Probably isn't a surprise to anyone with kids: About 90% of couples say they felt less happy in their relationship after having children, But these can be a number of things.

While married couples specifically, it's safe to say that any married couple or not go through the same sort of struggles after bringing home a tiny human. One of the biggest problems stems from the new workload associated with a newborn, And believe it or not!!!, some trouble comes from the relatives, either from her side or his. Not to blame anyone, but this is naturally normal when a child comes into the picture. Families have their own way of dealing with offspring, but when families get in the way of married couples who have just had a baby, things can get pretty emotional. Not every male spouse understands that in the first couple of months, mothers go through post-natal hormonal changes, and when this rocks the boat, things can get worse if there is no mutual respect involved or mutual understanding of what’s going on with these changes. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

According to Dr Snyder "When you have a baby, there's an inherent division of labour that happens, Both partners can be comfortable with that, or they will fight about it.” Typically, one partner feels like they take the brunt of the responsibilities, which can lead to a lot of resentment.

The underlying culprit behind all of these arguments is a lack of communication. When both people are fed up, communication can really rock the boat. If you internalise everything, it’s going to implode, believe me!

How To Reconnect After Having Kids

Whether you have newborns or teenagers, it's normal for a little distance to wedge its way in between you and your partner, and that’s perfectly normal.

According to Dr Snyder, it’s good to remember that every stage in parenthood is transient; the newborn phase is not forever, and the toddler phase is not forever; it's about being comfortable with the fact that things are going to change and you are both willing to go through those things together. So as things continue to change, how do you stay connected? (one of my biggest questions after I gave birth, not knowing everything was going downhill)

So here are four ways to focus on your relationship and restore any lost intimacy.

Take Time at the End of the Day to Talk 

Communication is so important I can’t stress this enough! Don’t assume your partner knows how your feelings because they are not wizards, and then you’re going to get angry when they don’t know.

My solution? Talk it out! "It’s important to put a premium on communication and make a point not to hold anything in. Talk about it when it’s happening, rather than waiting and blowing up about it later. Also, but RED FLAG.. if your partner gets angry and reacts badly to your feelings and blames you for making them angry or upset, you need to GET OUT NOW!! It’s a situation waiting for a disastrous end. DO NOT allow narcissistic behaviour to control you. Seek help.

Couples- examples (names have been changed for privacy reasons)

Couples Jenn & Ben who have been together for a decade and married eight years have four kids; They revealed to me that the biggest communication issue for them was deciding how to discipline the children.

"Our parents disciplined us differently," says Jenn. "I don't agree with yelling at the children, and during early years, I had arguments with my husband over being too harsh over little things. We eventually learned to communicate better and Choose our battles"  

For Sara and Sean, who have been married 14 years and have three kids ages 7, 10, and 13 for them, the key point is to always keep communication open. In their experience, they believe you should never be afraid of telling your partner how you feel. This is a positive example!

"You need open and clear communication, even if it’s what the other person does not want to hear," says Sean.

“By taking time at the end of each day to voice concerns and emotions or simply talk about the weather, you're focusing on each other instead of who's going just going to do the next kids’ chore. Talk about what happened at work, the dreams you had last night, a new restaurant you want to try, or any lingering worries. (Even if it's just for 10 minutes!) It's a chance to give your relationship the attention it deserves”.

Embrace the Little Moments

As any parent knows, having a few moments of peace to lie down or drink a cup of coffee together is everything. Before kids, it was easy to take those moments for granted, not knowing what the future held. Once they're born, it's imperative to acknowledge and appreciate the little things that help each other get through the day. The same goes for you and your partner. Make it a point to show appreciation or affection in small yet impactful ways. For Sara & Sean, little texts throughout the day help keep them feeling connected. (I find this so nice)

"We send things like 'miss you' or 'can’t wait for you to get home," says Sean. Because of Sean's military career, they spent the majority of two years long-distance, and Sara has some advice for that, too: "Old-fashioned communication! Writing letters, cards, notes," she says. "I would leave hand-written notes in his suitcase."

Prioritise Date Night!

Your hectic schedule with the kids makes it easy for date night to slip through the cracks. As soon as you're comfortable leaving them with a family member, close friend, or babysitter, plan a night just for the two of you!

Date night doesn't need to be elaborate. The key is to make the night about the two of you, not the kids. Grab dinner or a few drinks, see a movie or go for a stroll, stay in and make dinner together, or sit on the porch with a bottle of wine. (this for is perfect)

And the good this is there's no need to feel guilty for taking time for yourselves.

"It's not healthy for anyone to divorce themselves from their previous lives and only focus on the kids," says Dr Snyder. "There needs to be a conscious effort to talk about other things because otherwise, the kids get all the air time even when they’re asleep, which can be frustrating."

Pam and Danny, who have been dating for four years and are raising three children together (ages 12, 7, and 6), also stress the importance of "me time," along with regular date nights. "We do a girl's night and guy's night each week to have some 'us' time," they say (this is also healthy; give your Partner a breather)

Reignite the Physical Spark

Sometimes, reconnecting intimacy takes time, and that's okay. When you have kids, women often need more time to get back into the mood. Between breastfeeding or just being with the kids (if they choose to), feeling uncomfortable with their bodies, or the overall pain or any other feeling that may come into play, it's important to take it slow. There are so many reasons that it needs to go slow and be fully directed by the woman. This is not a power play, may I say.

On the other hand, if the kids are a little older, it's all about switching up the scenery, according to Sean and Sara.

The closet, the bathroom...get creative, says Sara. To make it more frequent, which Sean wishes they tried sooner, is to set boundaries (stop co-sleeping, set earlier bedtimes). "We couldn’t do anything we wanted to do because the kids were always around, he says.

If a lack of privacy isn't the issue, why not try something new? "We have done some sexual experimentation," says Rita and Robbie. "This has kept it fresh and exciting for us." As long as you're both on the same page, it can be fun to look up some sexy games to play or new positions to try. (Spice it up!)

Lastly, if you have to schedule sex, that's okay! Those who had sex once a week felt more relationship satisfaction than those who did it less. They feel more connected and comfortable with one another. What's more, they found that doing it more than once a week didn’t add to relationship satisfaction. Bottom line? Scheduling sex once a week might be all you need to get your physical intimacy back on track.

My take on all this:

I think making an effort to focus on your relationship after kids and you'll help rekindle emotional intimacy, strengthen your bond, and remind each other that you're still the same couple you were before kids. Again strong communication is the key to making it all work. Being comfortable talking about everything with one another is incredibly important because it’s almost too easy to fall out of love, or other troubling situations can arise. The relationship you have with your partner is important before having kids, and it's just as important after. Your relationship is the fundamental reason you need to invest in it just as much as you do with parenthood.