Whatever it is, lets help each other ladies!
Articles
Mom shaming! why does it happen?
Mum shaming is definitely real! Society has created ideas and certain norms about how parents should be and what is best for children. Articles are written by other parents, discussions are held in communities and online websites have popped up to decide how things should be done. Suddenly we all have ideas about what is right and what is wrong. Telling people how to raise, dress, breastfeed and carry their children can sometimes be overwhelming.
New parents often find themselves in a situation where they are facing a new obstacle. Everything is a first-time experience and a challenge. Friend, family or just someone in the same community is in the same situation that we have found ourselves in. We want to give our advice to others on how to handle the situation. The idea is maybe not to “shame” another mother… just to help out, as you have found yourself in the situation before. However, this might come off to a mother that she is not a good enough parent.
Very often! Mothers and mothers-in-law want to be a part of their grandchildren’s lives. They often feel that they should have a say. Sometimes out of love and to get involved, they want to give advice or sometimes take control. For a new mother this can feel like criticism of her ability and choices as a mother. It often feels horrible when you feel discredited, and they feel they have full power over your child and your choices.
When is it shaming & when is it friendly advice?
As new parents we are often doubt over our choices or our abilities as parents and we look to others for guidance. However, when told how to do things (without being asked) we often get offended. We are trying to do our best as new parents but it’s something we have never done before, we want to make our own decisions and face what’s Infront of us without the agony of having some else shame us. Therefore, we might be extra sensitive to someone pointing out that our child might need to wear an extra sweater or shouldn’t eat that or this.
Mothers giving advice and mothers receiving advice could and should therefore try to put them in the other person’s situation. Taking a step back and realising that there can be different ways to do things and it’s not always the right way or the wrong way and We all parent differently. There is the friendly, positive suggestion without the judgment and without force and there is shaming that comes in many shapes and forms.
How to get into a healthy routine as a single mum
If your child is already grown.. or if you’re just trying to regain your fitness postpartum or post-separation! Controlling a healthy diet as a single parent is tough. Finding the time, energy and money to invest in your own health with so many other issues on your plate seems impossible, but there are ways you can make it happen!!
Exercising at home
Getting ready for the gym, driving or getting on transport and then getting back home can waste so much of your limited time when it comes to exercising. As a single mum trying to juggle it all, it may be a better idea to keep your workouts at home.
You could invest in fitness equipment at home, or you could try out free workout videos online in the comfort of your own home. Either way, finding a few minutes to rush through a workout in your living room is far more manageable than trying to attend classes at the gym or even hitting the gym a couple of days a week.
Try prepping a meal the night before
Take Some free time at home every day (at night is always good) to prepare a healthy, nutritious and balanced meal. it’s hard work, and not all of us have that time on our hands during the day. However, what we put into our bodies and our children’s bodies! is overall crucial to our health.
Avoid Resorting to takeout and highly processed foods, regardless of it being more convenient when we’re short on time. Take a little time at night when we’re mostly free and the kids have done all their chores. Once or twice a week, prep extra meals to keep in the fridge or freezer is a great way to make sure you have something more favourable and nutritious on hand, even on days when you’re running late.
Set some small Goals
The easiest and most effective way to manage your health and fitness with a busy single mum schedule is to make small, achievable adjustments instead.
Rather than expecting to drop a few pounds in a matter of weeks or going completely vegan or gluten-free for no reason what so ever!!, rather think about the small and easy ways you can improve your health. Commit to one extra serving of vegetables per day, 1 hour of exercise per week and getting to sleep before midnight every night.
Look on the internet for inspiration, and look for recipes that you may like! I’m sure the kids will love it too!!
It’s really easy and dangerous to get caught up in body ideals and transformations. so go easy and seek professional help before you go crazy!
Get a PT!!
While social media can be full of dangerous diet ideas and unrealistic expectations of the perfect body, it’s also got a lot of valuable information (cant rule it out). But get yourself a PT who will understand your goals. Get specific about how and what you would ideally want to look like. Talk about your routine and how they can fit themselves into your schedule. Learn fun workouts you can also do alone at home; try to look for busy moms just like yourself who are figuring out their health journey. Work out together and learn other tricks from people who have the same goals as you do.
Not only will having this kind of contact with a PT it will motivate you to keep going, but it can serve as a great source of inspiration for your health journey.
Personal Note!!
I am a happy, healthy, well-adjusted, and contributing member of society today because of the work and sacrifice that my parents devoted to my upbringing. For better or worse, My parents are the pedestal on which I stand to reach the heights of possibilities for my own life. They paved the way for me to become the woman and mother I am.
The example set by my mother and the skills I have learned from her example proves to me how deep the impact of a mother’s love and influence are on the next generation. I have the ability to support my son to extend his reach even higher because of the parenting I had and how it prepared me for the role of motherhood.
At the same time, I am struck by the power of sheer determination, planning, good priorities, and endless devotion, and the way these traits have deeply touched my life. My mom is proof of what a mother can do by herself. We are capable and deserve the praise single moms deserve for everything they do.
What i learned from my parents & my siblings
I credit my parents for teaching me most of what I know and helping me to become the person I am today.
My parents and my brothers are woven into almost every childhood memory I have. My family is my inner voice that guides my decisions and the moral compass by which I orient my life. My parents made countless sacrifices to ensure myself & my brothers always had not just what we needed, but also what we wanted, Worked tirelessly to provide for us, a memorable childhood.
Despite being with two parents I have no recollection of my father being there half the time., But he also made it up by working tirelessly through nights to make sure we had EVERYTHING!. Both my parents came up with very humble backgrounds to reputable positions. My mum took on full time motherhood being alone to prioritise home, kids and everything in between, When I was barely a toddler, My mum became the driving force in raising me & my brothers. My mum completed every parenting task for us with little help from anyone else. Growing up she and I have not always seen eye-to-eye; but, I cannot deny that I owe her everything for always putting us first and loving us the best way she knew how!
So many things that my mum did for me, as a single mom, and even after she maintained married life with my father, she was still the primary presence in my childhood, laid the foundation for me to succeed as an adult and as a single mother. I am strong, capable, and still growing (because life’s no instructions), all because of the example she set for me. She set the cornerstone of the life I have built for myself, and my son can now benefit from the strength, experience, and wisdom of his mother and grandmother!
I hope that my son won’t have to endure heartbreak, disappointment, or divorce in his life; but, I am confident that no matter what occurs for him, he will be equipped to conquer the challenges before him because of the connection he has to women who not just survived being a single mum, but who excelled at it!
My brothers are also a great example in my life, they are also strong remodels. My brothers keep my grounded and show me the path forward when i cant see the way. they have helped me enormously, as parents themselves.
because of my family i can teach my son:
1. Stand Up For Himself
My mom was never afraid to ask questions, challenge something that wasn’t right (She is stubborn), establish necessary boundaries, and say “no” when needed. Nobody succeeds by being someone’s doormat; my brothers have also always been strong-minded and had straight answers for every limit. So he will have to be a strong self-advocate and thinker!
2. Be Resourceful
Not much in life is given. My mom learned how to make, do, and find amazing things to benefit us and our home, and all before the internet! both my parents taught us to go get our own resources. One needs to know where to go to get what he needs, who to ask, and be able to work his own magic.
3. Educate Himself
My mom was pretty open about her uppbringing, and she always encouraged me to reach much higher. What she lacked in degrees, she taught herself by reading and always striving to improve herself. She later in her life graduated in fashion! My son will also be encouraged to reach his full potential so that he can have a career in his future that fulfills him and make him own dreams come true.
4. Stand On His Own Two Feet
My Father showed me that the world is changing, and one has to be able to meet their own needs and support themselves. We can no longer depend on anyone to provide for all of our needs, as was the standard in my grandparents generation. Therefore, i can show my son the necessity of being his own person before joining his life with partner’s, and we are proof of a single mom’s ability, so what life throws at him he has to know how to go about life with or without someone, and all with mutual RESPECT.
5. Make A House A Home
No matter what big houses we lived in during our childhood, she always made our home cozy and pleasant. She showed me how pretty fabrics and colours can transform an environment, personalize it, and elevate it to new heights. She always has an eye for creativity.She showed me the value of having a home that feels like home and is SUPER clean, well-kept, and something to take pride in!
6. Create What he Wants
My Brothers relied on her imagination and her hands to make our dreams come true. I always had the most beautiful dresses and the bows, and she always had the décor for her home that looked straight out of a catalog; but, she made it herself! Years of practicing sewing and crafting gave her the pleasure of a hobby, but also anything we could ever want. My son is following the same path, learning to use his abilities to sketching his own dreams.
7. Thrive, Not Just Survive
My mom continually placed our development as a priority in her own life. I had every opportunity to experience music, dance, culture, and any activity I ever wished to be a part of. Both my parents showed us that there is so much more than television or fast food. Instead, they opened my world through books, travel, and anything she could manage to expand my horizons. I pledge to do the same for my little boy!
8. Organize His Life
My father was a master at managing the budget, and my mother maintained a neat and tidy home, and they were always punctual and knew exactly what was going on! I credit the organisational skills that I inherited from my parents for my success as a single mom managing a home, as well as for life in general. I credit them for this and what a gift!!
9. Own His Destiny
My parents stuck together, and thanks to my dads hard work we no longer had to worry financially; my mum and dad have continued to live more than comfortably, in large part, to how thrifty they were with their finances. My mum took care of the home front while my dad carefully worked long hours, saved and budgeted well and always stayed within their means. My dad is a hard worker, no excuses type of man. Myself and my brothers value dependability over flash, over accumulating debt and seek out smart life hacks to increase buying powers. At a young age, we had to choose our future. All these lessons, I have to admit, came from my parents. This taught us a lot about life choices and being successful. I can only hope my Son benefits from these skills, and I hope will use them himself and own his own future!
10. Be A Dedicated And Loving Father
Most importantly, I never doubted how much I was loved, and there is no question that my parents gave all that they had to take care of us in every possible way. They made mistakes, as I have, but I have applied what I learned from them as a mother to raise my own child. My mother imprinted many valuable traits and methods upon me that I can share with my child, and even her mistakes have improved my mothering because I am more aware of what not to do. My brothers also have very strong morals and carried their own lessons and mistakes, and are amazing fathers. Most of my decision-making about my son’s father is mostly carried in such a way that the men in my family encourage my son to also learn from his father the same valuable lessons.
Life changes after a baby! If you are expecting, congratulations! If you’re thinking about having a baby or just curious, welcome!
This is how my life changed after having a baby (hint: it changed for the better)
Protective
The first thing that changed and is immediate when your baby comes out of your body is that you are ready to kill or to be killed for that child. There’s an incredible number of emotions, you have this rush of protection mode, and it comes instinctually. Don’t take it personally and please be understanding because it's such an emotional moment and your hormones are all over the place. I know a lot of women out there, included myself when I was pregnant, are not really sure if these instincts that everyone talks about are really going to happen for you. I can say on my end it did, you just know what to do, and if you don’t you figure it out.
Appreciation for your mom.
This happened very quickly, especially in the new-born stage. I began to see what it really takes to care for a baby. It is a lot. I began to think “Wow, my mom did this for me.” You get a different perspective. There is no way of knowing what a parent really does, or what your parents really did without you being a parent yourself. Overall, there is mutual respect between us and I am very appreciative of her.
Lack of time.
The next thing is that there’s a lack of time for yourself. I’m sure you already know this but there’s a lack of sleep in the first couple of months, Rest is a privilege (especially when they are new-borns), you’re definitely not going to be able to use the bathroom alone anymore at least not in the few years. No privacy. (Secretly I find this so loving and adorable)
Life isn’t solely about you. You have to think of another human being.
Yes, you can set aside time to go out, have a sitter or family member watch your baby while you go have “me time” however it’s never the same compared to when you were a person of your own because as much physical distance you may have from your child you always have another human being in the back of your mind. You are thinking how they are doing, are they being cared for well, did they eat, are they on track with their sleeping schedule, etc. All of these things run through your mind no matter what. Motherly instincts.
Planning is CRUCIAL.
This is a big one. You must plan before leaving anywhere. I always give myself an hour because things take FOREVER whether they’re babies or even toddlers They may need another feeding or perhaps they are toilet training and they need to use the bathroom one more time right before you lock the door, or your baby just imploded in their diapers and now you gotta change their whole clothes, change the diaper, maybe even give a bath! Yeah, it gets crazy!
It’s not even just trying to get out the door, there's the car-seat situation and the stroller…I learned time management.
Change in mindset.
I see things differently now i kinda think of the world as a scary place, especially for kids and you start thinking more about their problems after becoming a parent. Now you are trying to protect a child too and that can be a lot of pressure on someone. Especially if you’re a single mom or you’re simply out and about alone with your kid there is always something to worry about.
Having a child has also grounded me in a lot of ways because I get to see how amazing the world really is through his eyes as cliché or cheesy as that sounds. The best things in life are free!
Diet changes.
I did start eating better. I had an incredibly unhealthy diet but thanks to family and my son. This starts early on because of breastfeeding. But then after it slowly changes again. But it definitely changes the way you see food.
No sick days.
Let me let you in on a rude awakening. When you’re sick it doesn’t matter anymore. If you are sick, it is what it is you still get up and you have to care for your child. As a parent, the sick days of lounging around and not do anything are long gone. Soon you learn to get on with it.
Body changes.
ok so this isn’t the same for every woman but mine luckily became better, possibly because i also started attending the gym. But for me honestly, after having one kid it went right back to being its normal self before I had a child.
Relationship with your partner.
I think this either makes you or breaks you! the relationship with your partner is going to change but it doesn’t have to be in a negative way at all. Your relationship will be tested because of how new everything is. I think you also have to be a team because if your hit with difficulties from the beginning things can hit rock bottom. different opinions down to seeing things differently from one another and how you're going to parent or co-parent. Things can really change in so many ways than one. But it is something I think you and your partner can most definitely work through.
Single mums do it all, regardless of co-parenting, or the other half is hardly there (For whatever reason that may be); we take pride in every choice we make. But with that also comes great pressure.
Pressure to maintain our kids happy, healthy and consistently mentally well. I take my hat off to those mums who have no one! But I also advise you to look for your tribe because it can be soo much! Systems have to get into place to get everything done naturally, and I fall into bed exhausted at night. So whether you’re a single mum, or whenever it’s the case that you have to function as if you are, I applaud you. I live in awe of you.
You are stronger than you think!
Blog on this subject is coming soon!!!
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The Single Mum Life
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Dr Ramani
Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles. She is the author of Should I Stay or Should I Go.
Now according to Dr Ramani There are no physical blood tests, MRIs, or exact determinations that can identify narcissism (unfortunately) Even therapists have to go on just observations of the behavioural patterns and attitudes that a person presents. So below are all the traits and behaviours that are signs of a narcissist.
Not all of these traits have to be present to make a determination of narcissism: According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which therapists use as a guide, a person needs to exhibit only 55% of the identified characteristics to be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder.
What is a narcissist?
If you aren't exactly sure what the term narcissist means, it's someone who has a Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD), a clinically diagnosed personality disorder characterised by a need for admiration and a lack of empathy toward other people. In short, it's someone who believes they're better than everyone else, and It’s not necessary sometimes in a bad way. It's Been shown that individuals who have NPD often require constant admiration, show arrogance, entitlement, envy, exploitative, lack empathy, self-importance and more.
Below are a few signs your dealing with a narcissist:
Superiority and entitlement
Superiority is the No. 1 sign of a narcissist. This is different from self confidence alone.
The world of the narcissist is all about good/bad, superior/inferior, and right/wrong.
Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and feel they always have to control everyone in their circle and out.
Covert Narcissist
When you think of narcissists, you most likely think of loud and boastful personalities. While those are common traits of overt or grandiose narcissism, some narcissists actually fly more under the radar—also known as a covert narcissist.
While they tend to be quieter and may even seem shy, the covert narcissists can be just as dangerous and manipulative, so it's important to be able to identify them.
Great need for control
Manipulation and the need to grab control of everything are archetypal narcissist behaviours.
Since narcissists are continually disappointed with the imperfect way life unfolds for them, they want to do as much as possible to control it and mould it to their liking, as with everything else they encounter, including relationships.
They want and demand to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control of everything, including controlling friends and family and sometimes paving a path that only benefits them.
Narcissists always have a storyline in mind about what each "character" in their interaction should be saying and doing. If this does not go their way, they break them or ruin them in any way they feel is right. When you don't behave as expected, they become quite upset and unsettled; They don't know what to expect next because you're off-script. They demand that you say and do exactly what they have in mind so they can reach their desired conclusion.
Quite often, You are a character in their internal play, not a real person with your own thoughts and feelings. (This is why breaking up with a narcissist can be particularly tricky.)
Lack of Accountability
Lack of accountability, including blaming and deflection, is a glaring sign of a narcissist.
Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be responsible for the results unless, of course, everything goes exactly their way and their desired result occurs.
When things don't go according to their plan, or they feel criticised or less than perfect, the narcissist places all the blame and responsibility on someone else to maintain their own façade of perfection. It has to be someone else's fault. Sometimes that blame is generalised they often feel like everyone's out to get them. Most often, however, the narcissist blames the one person who is the most emotionally close, most attached, loyal, and loving in their life.
The victims of their Narcissistic abuse are the safest people to blame because they are least likely to leave or reject them.
Lack of boundaries
Many people lack Boundaries or cross other people's boundaries regularly, but among narcissists, this is status-quo behaviour. Narcissists can't accurately see where they end and you begin. They are a lot like two-year-olds. They will call you consistently; quite often, they will make you feel like you are not doing right by them. They believe that everyone thinks and feels the same as they do and everyone wants the same things they do. Narcissists don’t usually have the same thought process.
They are shocked and highly insulted to be told NO. If a narcissist wants something from you, they'll go to great lengths to figure out how to get it through to their victim by Covert behaviour such as persistence, persuasion, demanding, rejecting, or pouting. These are all common narcissist behaviours.
Emotional reasoning
Have you made the mistake of trying to reason and use logic with the narcissist to get them to understand the painful effect their behaviours have on you? You think that if they understand how much their behaviour hurts you, they'll change?
Your explanations, however, don't make sense to the narcissist, who only seems able to be aware of their own thoughts and feelings. Although narcissists may say they understand, they honestly don't. Instead, they often make you feel like you’re to blame for their rage. Therefore, narcissists make most of their decisions based on how they feel about something. Narcissists always move on when they feel bored or depressed, but they never feel good being left. They always look to something or someone outside themselves to solve their feelings and needs. (Calculative)
Last but not least…
Splitting
The narcissist's personality is split into good and bad parts, and they also split everything in their relationships into good and bad. They are not entirely bad people, they just process differently. They deny their negative words and actions while continually accusing you of being crazy or malicious towards them.
The takeaway
There are many types of narcissists, but these are some qualities they all have in common.
Keep in mind this article is intended to outline the common signs you may be dealing with a narcissist and
IT IS NOT meant to treat or diagnose anyone.
Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist, From A Therapist!!
I firmly believe that this world needs a tremendous need for advocacy in dealing with Mental Health. Now let me put this out there when I read or see the critiques of anybody working on this specific area, I always want to understand better and ensure that I am not fostering biased opinions. However, I also become very concerned (out of personal experience) because I genuinely worry that so many of these issues out there are not spoken of. According to Dr Ramani she has found that numerous therapists refuse to entertain the word narcissism and instruct others to go back and work on “communication” and try to understand the narcissist's perspective. I highly recommend that you follow or explore these amazing women’s websites. They educate and help others and are amazing advocates!
(I solely write my take, quote and drop a link for everything I think is important or should be seen or for fact-based search purposes)
Check out Mel Robbins! Listen to her podcast for more info! She also sheds a lot of light on life situations.
