Dating as a single mum

When I entered the dating pool after a significant timeout and being divorced from my child's father, whom I had been with for eleven years, I wasn’t exactly hopeful. In fact, I’m still not. But what awaited me was worse than I feared. Dating after a very long period is tricky, and if you’re also navigating childcare issues, single parent stigma and coming from a bad past experience, these are particularly rocky waters.

I’ve learned that with dating apps, it’s hard to find someone who will accept what you bring. Some men will say, “No second-hand kids, please.” I learned this very early on. I tried a couple of times, but it never ended well. I am no longer a stranger to online dating, so I was keen to see if things had changed. From the moment I opened the first app, it was clear that they had.

In early 2019, I was excited by the seemingly inexhaustible options of eligible bachelors that were just a click away. And, at that time, the offers to meet up came pretty thick and fast. I set myself the challenge to meet as many of the people who asked me out as possible; I’m thinking I will try to enjoy it and see what happens. I met some exciting (and some not-so-interesting) people. This might cost me a large amount of disposable income allowed in the bars of London. Was I successful in finding the love of my life? Well, not yet; fast forward to 2024, and I’m still a solo parent in my 30s living in London…so I think you can guess the answer to that.

Meeting people in London is still possible. I signed up once again for this new dating app. I’m still unconvinced, but I think internet dating is for losers or an abandoned society of people or a stamped stigma. After a quick scroll on the laptop, I quickly learned I was no longer part of the young generation. The millennial pool was restricted to age-appropriate men and fathers. I was heartbroken as I still thought I had a chance with a gorgeous 5-foot-tall muscleman. These men wanted younger girls and were VERY quick to enjoy intimacy and pictures of your privates!!

Though the chances of finding love online might be slim, I keep telling myself they were undoubtedly better than bumping into a potential life partner while sitting on my sofa and re-watching the Bridgertons.

I'm thinking to myself, I’m done.

Many people assume that because we chose to conceive and take on a single-parent role, we’ve reached a point where we’re ‘done’ with dating. But the truth is, I’m a romantic; I still hope that there is time for a great love in my life.

Lots of men are looking for women who ‘don’t take themselves too seriously’ or like ‘banter,' or worse, they want a quick one-night stand. And there’s still a suspicious number of men who don't measure up to what they really look like online. But now we’re all a bit older, curvier, hairier, and to be honest, tired.

The thing is that we people wear our baggage with pride and bravery. I‘ve noticed more honesty about splits or divorces, and you can find kids on the scene with faces often using baby memes. Yes, apparently, memes can say a thousand words nowadays. That said, I was or am surprised by the number of men in their late forties and early fifties who have answered the question: ‘Kids?’ with ‘Don’t know yet’. They are still able to ponder the pros and cons of fatherhood well into their 6th decade!! I mean, come on, really?! Do you still have a choice? Yes, they do more than us, which I frankly find very unfair. Women will readily accept a man with kids, but men will take women with kids. Now ain’t that some shit! Lucky boys, eh?

Ok, just to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting the kids or having preferences and voicing them in your info, but since many of the single mums I know are not single by choice. They all have had to overcome some form of stigma or struggle; going on the apps can feel exhausting.

So why continue to put ourselves out there? It’s a question almost every single mum asks herself. Single parenting is the most relentless and rewarding job I’ve ever undertaken. My life is full of love and laughter, thank god. But it’s lonely at times, too. Taking your child to footy or standing outside the school gate alone can feel empty and lonely..and again, that stigma sticks to your image with society. Being a single mum can also feel all-consuming and can become your entire identity sometimes. Dating is just one of the ways I can be something other than just ‘mum’.

On a date, you can be you! The fun girl, the one you were before you had kids, or the one you’re becoming as you learn just how strong you are, how much you’re capable of. The next challenge comes in merging the two worlds. Trying to juggle all these together can be exhausting, but once you know you’ve got this, everything changes. However, separate the ‘you’ on a date from the taking your child to footy; at some point, you may want to integrate the two. Where do you even start when it comes to meeting someone you feel comfortable introducing your child to???? in any capacity, let alone as your partner? I ask myself this ALLLL the time. There's also that layer of stress in which you HAVE to keep your child safe. This bit is so important to me… I find myself navigating these areas in which I then feel hopeless.

I still have questions! I mean, for starters, do you state that you’re a single parent on your profile because, unfortunately, single mothers can be targeted by people who specifically want to date mothers in order to gain access to their children. Do we drop it in the conversation early on? Do we advertise it on the profile? So many questions!

So many articles are there to help negate these risks; it can be tempting to separate your dating life from your parenting life entirely, only dating people you know you’ll never be able to integrate into your home life, maybe? I’ve done this several ways: by choosing a string of people who were utterly emotionally unavailable (mostly good fun) and even picking people who lived in entirely different countries (nothing but a summer fling and then feeling like you miss them).

Some mums are having the time of their lives finding summer flings in a foreign country only to have a month-long rollercoaster of intense emotions (returning with STDs). Who said romance was dead, eh?

My advice is don’t rush into anything. If passive-aggressive messages and persuasiveness to reveal yourself too soon make you nervous! Maybe it isn't the right time, or they aren’t the one. I don’t have much free time to prioritise anyone other than my child. I wanted to give this dating thing a shot, but juggling solo parenthood and my goals means I’m not sure I have the energy or the time to do the actual dates.

And so I’ve decided to put dating, or at least dating on the apps every time I get nervous or find an idiot, to the side for now and just get on with living. For years, I’ve been told by people close to me that I’ll ‘meet someone when I least expect it, so I’m hoping that if I don’t expect it in the slightest, someone might just turn up.