My Spiritual Journey

My experience is probably like any other, This package of external pressures at many times was more than I could handle emotionally, and the only thing that kept me going was a belief that I was here on this planet for a reason and that everything would, ultimately, be OK, if I could hold on long enough, spiritually. The fact that my child needed me kept me going when I had nothing left to give.

I was legally responsible for the upbringing of my five yr old, with little support from the other part and a constant set of societal pressures and prejudices. Thank god I had good, strong family support. I was so grateful for being brought up with a silver spoon, but even that had its outside judgments and consequences.

The people I dated often saw a spoiled little girl who had everything and someone they couldn’t have, or worst… Someone that couldn’t offer anything because numbers were more important; by that, I meant financially I couldn’t be whisked away. I don’t know which is worst, but I understood what all that was at some point in my life.

I didn’t have it easy, but I pledged never to let a man take care of my son or me because only I was responsible for our happiness. I never did make it anyone else’s responsibility and never will.

I was raised with five men, including my father, very dominant cultured men. The only two women were my mother and me. All five empowered and self-actualised adult men, you would think I was just as intelligent, but this took time. Everyone grows or matures or even levels up at their own pace. There isn’t a time limit or a timer.

I had to grow up real quick after my son at 29! I learned more about the factors that affect single mothers. I hope I can share what I know in the hope that my experiences and the information I have collected can help others and perhaps give one more voice to those who have spoken up in support of the decisive role of single mothers in our society and offer an additional tool.

Single mothers are, in my opinion, unsung heroines in our society; the demanding role of a single mother is far from perfect. In my experience, it has not been particularly relevant which religious or spiritual tradition matters. Nonetheless, the spiritual connection can prove to be beneficial to the emotional support and well-being of a woman/single mum. I have found that my spiritual connection to believing in a higher power without religion is less messy to the natural world. Writing has been profoundly beneficial to me and has been vital in processing deep issues that have eroded my sense of well-being. I want my 5 yr old to be able to understand what exactly my/our journey is or was someday.

I was reflecting on why these particular stages of my life are mine and what I came up with is that I haven’t always been a particularly busy person. I had lots of time to find myself, and it's fantastic. Still, soon you realise you don’t raise a child alone while pursuing adult education and full-time employment simultaneously without a very full schedule, but I did it! I have not had the luxury of flying through every thought and experience. Nonetheless, I can’t complain because I have a good family support system.

My writing style reflects the pace of my life and the experience of being a single mother. My life has unfolded in short, intense bursts or all at once. And when I reflect, that is how it presents itself to me personally. Whenever I have gone through significant changes, and there have been many, I try to pack as much change into one period of time as possible.

Mind you … I have a trauma that lasted four years and still haunts me today. Occasionally when it gets hard, I remember back, and it always makes me tear up. All my anxiety and stress came from this particular trauma. My divorce was far from easy. And it nearly killed me mentally. It took me four years to get over fear and the messy bits of it. Ever felt like you had to let go of someone who meant the world to you? Yeh, it's life, and people change.

The journey.

My spiritual journey started when I couldn’t shake off the trauma. I couldn’t see past the pings of messages I constantly got and the sour relationship that began after separation. Several months after the new partner in his life appeared and the little undermining comments and the disagreements that would somehow involver her voice being added, although had nothing to do with her. But I can’t complain. It gets better with time. I think the nonexistent relationship we have is the best thing to do I think for both parties. Yes, there are ambiguous moments where I have no clue how things will turn out, but I guess I've learned that this is what happens when you're divorced, and it's part of life. Oceans you cross for the first time can be overbearing, and tides can get hard to swim, but you learn to navigate the negative experiences into positivity. I had no idea how things would turn out at times, but I had this newfound feeling, this positive force in my heart that told me everything would be ok. The quietness in my surrounding that often engulfed would give me a sense of positive luck. And I say this in every aspect of life.

This is not to blame anyone, by the way.. more to encourage and give hope that things do get better with time and navigating new oceans can be a very good learning curve. I meditated often and prayed that all my emotional struggles would be over; you learn to manage unsettling splashes others throw at you. Adversity is also a teacher, so I am grateful. I now believe I’m creating a life of love and abundance; everything I need is within me, I’m always guided towards my choices, I do not chase, and what comes is mine. I claim my power.

I have been very open about my personal experiences up to this point. There are personal matters that I will not discuss or will not explain.

This is intentional. I would be happy to have a conversation about anything you have questions about, but committing some events to public written documentation is not conducive to my best interests at this time.

We were called the generation who believed in so much and yet stuck to traditional social norms that merely kept the older generation in an old vision, So being divorced was shameful, but raised on post-modernist thought and exploration is spiritually evolutionary! We tore apart and reassembled iconography to meet our own needs in the years between 1960-2021. It was no wonder that traditionally it didn't suffice for me and that I would turn away from the ideals of my elders for something more my own and more personal. A youthful revolt while I grew up in 1986, modern yet I struggle for survival by any means possible in a hostile environment of old fashioned ideals. Being a woman in a society where you are a mother plus single. It has its judgments.

Anyway moving back to the topic of my spiritual journey, being a single mum has its perks but not without prejudice. People often feel sorry and it carries that stigma of children being raised in broken families. Far from the truth, my son is happy and lives beyond all the spoils of life from my side of the family and his fathers' side of the family. I overcame the fear of financial aloneness and the fear of raising a child alone. it's an amazing experience. I found being alone fulfilling, wild and far from a perfect experience but it's amazing! I learned several skills (read all my blogs)

I also spent lots of quality time with my son as he would grow into a cute, feisty toddler. You think you know it all but they teach you how to be a parent and beyond survival with them. I love my mothering journey. it's both challenging and full of love. I would NOT change it.

I looked beyond my flaws and fears and pulled myself together out of so much pain. I looked up at the sky often and told myself positive affirmations. The saying ‘ Even the sun sets in paradise too’ also meant that some of my struggles would also pass. Nights I spent looking over my son and thinking everything I had to do from then on would be for him. He is my motivation and I couldn’t be more thankful.

I saw family members pray for me and the fact that at some point in the past I could not relate to their un-weathering faith in a higher power made me wonder if I was closing a door on something that today makes me more connected to the natural environment around me.

Whenever I struggle with something I look to my spiritual side and this just means that I’m able to put things into a better prospective. I struggled at the thought that karma wasn’t real and bad people prevailed… but presently I choose to believe that everyone has their own path and that everything has its consequences and it can be in any shape or form. I no longer judge as much as I think I used to. There is a reason why people will do what they do. We live in a world where we judge everything and anything, where it is not our job. This is much better said than done I admit but it's a journey.

I shook off the thought of people not knowing my side of the story and my struggles and being ok with it. But I admit maturity is hard to convey perfectly and it takes time. I am not religious but believing in a higher power helps me better deal with life and the environment around me better.

I often ask myself too what’s the purpose of religion? Ideally, we turn to religion for support and faith to get through the changes in our lives, to make it through transitions, the kind that scares and haunts you, the kind that makes you feel more than guilt, be it Relationships, Family, Money, Birth and Death, especially Death!

Religion gives us community and connection and a feeling that there is something far greater, that life has meaning and all of the struggle is not wasted, but is part of something more and something grander. Religion has been a source of comfort to the oppressed and the oppressor alike, but also a source of empowerment to those seeking enlightenment.

I have reflected long and hard on how I have managed to find meaning in my own life. I began with one perspective and have come out working toward another! It has not been easy nor straight but then again nothing is perfect. I’m not a perfectionist so I take my life each step at a time and give lots of space for error. This helps me not feel so down when things don’t work out and motivates me to try again. I have had a lot of issues to work through along the way and it has been a challenge. I know that I am not alone in this pursuit, that many people have been on their own spiritual journeys. I admire people who can stick to their religious or spiritual views despite being questioned and bombarded with scepticism.

I was raised in a free-minded circle despite having very religious family members. My direct family came up catholic but is very much none believing or agnostic. Both my grandmothers were super religious but never really pushed it on others. We were merely guided by a good moral and well-rounded family. I never use the excuse that I was born there, therefore I have to and I have no choice. I think this narrative is a plain excuse to live by. I think we have to find our way own way in the world.

Although I think it's particularly hard for some people in some strict traditions to get unchained and explore the outside world and see or treat the world in a different perspective when their very own elders enforce this upon the newer generation. It never occurred to me that there are people who live in a male-dominated culture and faith.

But anyway who am I to talk about faiths.

Live & let live I say.