Family Troubles??

So this will definitely come off a little awkward, but I'm not here to offend anybody, nor am I here to appease everybody’s feelings. I am simply giving my opinion or advice.

Life is not easy, and family isn't either. But we cannot choose who they are, and according to some family members, you can’t cut them off either. But I have learned to let go in such a way that it almost seems icy. I have been told that I have to be less cold and more practical or should I say, confrontational. Only what I have also learnt, some family members are not worth confronting because some don't take accountability for their actions. Only it's not so picturesque for anybody and their family.

But what you can do is love them from a far. (that is if you still care a great deal for them)

I often feel very sad because some things are just not ours to bear, and I DON’T mean that being kids, But more to do with facing drama with family and friends. My mother too often helps far too many times, leaving her exhausted and feeling run down emotionally and physically. I used to have that feeling until I completely let go of what wasn’t mine to bear. I have found that letting go of toxic situations that are not ours a far healthier way. Getting involved or even listening! to an issue often lead to horrible outcomes. I now tend to concentrate on things that actually matter and not take on anybody else’s troubles. There is a difference between being there for someone and getting involved in their deep troubling issues. But too often, people mix both. Might I add, No, it’s not selfish to forget others’ troubles and do you. It’s healthy.

On the plus side, learning how to cope with complex family relationships or navigate challenging family dynamics can benefit you in the long run. Once you have some tools in your arsenal, your interactions with difficult family members will be less stressful. You are likely to be able to use these tools with other difficult people in your life. After all, difficult people are everywhere, not just in between families.

It's normal to experience an occasional misunderstanding, disagreement, or even selfishness among family members; challenges and difficulties are not uncommon. No, the grass is not greener at the neighbours home; you need to water your garden, so never feel its just in your particular family. But, if you find that your relationships with family members or even just one family member in particular are complicated, you may want to take some time to examine that relationship more closely.

Asking yourself if the relationship is unsafe or just a little awkward to manage helps. If your family relationship is abusive, you might consider limiting your interactions with them. Research shows that prolonged conflict with people and negative relationships can impact your mental health. If, on the other hand, you're dealing with negativity, obnoxious behaviour, little annoyances, or overly dramatic family members, there are things you can do to make these interactions less stressful for you.

Here are some tips on managing complex relationships with family.

If you're struggling to navigate a complicated relationship with a family member, it can help to level the playing field and neutralise some of the difficulties. Begin by reminding yourself that you have no control over another person's actions, but you can change your reaction.

There’s a quote that goes:

“You cannot change what is out of your control, but you can change how you react to it.”

Take some time to also think about what you appreciate about your family member rather than focusing on the things that make them difficult to be around. You will be less likely to hone in on their faults when you're together. You see, I’ve learnt with lessons in life that some emotional troubles you can block, especially when it's coming from others. I was not always like this. But when life gives you more clarification, you learn to switch off things and get on with things that become, well… Life, for a lack of better words. I can easily switch things off now and get on with what matters. No, this is no easy task, women are much more emotional, and we tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves. But I’ve learnt it! My siblings tend to say this is an icy way of going about things, but honestly, I’ve also learnt from them to be much more headstrong. I've also learnt to filter out other people's toxic behaviour.

Tips:

• Suggest meeting someplace neutral this always helps. Choosing a location where you both feel at ease can help create a calmer atmosphere. Meeting in public often leads people to be on their best behaviour as most don't like to attract attention or make a scene.

• Prepare yourself mentally for your interactions. If you know you have a gathering coming up where you will be interacting with difficult family members, it can help to prepare yourself beforehand. For instance, if your Father regularly criticises your career choice or makes insensitive remarks about areas where you lack, think about how you might respond if that happens. Preparing ahead of time can help you navigate challenging interactions with less stress.

• Be empathetic. Most difficult people aren't born that way. Instead, they became difficult based on their life experiences. For instance, if your family member has lived a particularly hard life, they may struggle with bitterness, resentment, or anger over what life has dealt them. Instead of getting annoyed by their behaviour, try to look at the situation empathetically. While this does not excuse their bad behaviour, it will help you keep things in perspective.

Depending on your family member's issues, communication may be challenging, especially if they are challenging to deal with.

If they are prone to anger, manipulation, or bullying, you may want to consider whether or not interacting with this family member is in your best interest. Just because they are family does not mean you are required to be abused or pushed by them in some way or another.

However, if your family member is just difficult to be around or challenging to communicate with. You also have the choice to walk away and let go. (I've found this to be more fulfilling) as I now put my mental health first)

These tips might help your interactions go a little more smoothly.

Avoid Hot Topics or Sensitive Subjects

If conversations about religion, politics, or money usually result in heated arguments, try your best to avoid the topic. If your family member insists on discussing issues that make you uncomfortable, consider just listening to what they say. Or, respectively, excuse yourself and leave. Might I add, you know your limits, don't let anybody step over them.

People often like to discuss volatile subjects because they enjoy the drama surrounding them. These sorts of people enjoy problematic behaviour and mistake these actions as bravery instead of toxic. Can anyone relate yet?

If you're not arguing with them or trying to prove a point, they may tire of the discussion. Of course, if their comments become too much for you, there's nothing wrong with excusing yourself and stepping outside to clear your head. Also, look for ways that you can get a break from the stress, like going to the restroom or taking the dog outside. If the entire situation gets to be too much, don't be afraid to cut the visit short. No, it's not that you are a sissy; you have limitations to how much toxicity you can take. Pay Attention to their actions

If you're spending a lot of time with difficult family members, ensure you're keeping tabs on their behaviour. Pay attention to their actions. Vibes NEVER lie. The more adult you become, the more everything makes sense by itself. The quieter you become, the more observant you become, and you learn to see things for what they are. Eventually, you will no longer be able to stand in the same environment.

Be Intentional

Although it can be very challenging not to react when a family says something outrageous or obnoxious, it's essential that you pause before responding. You want to be sure that your response is calm and measured. Not only can this type of response prevent unnecessary arguments, but it also keeps you from being pulled into the drama.

Avoid Trying to 'Fix' Things

If you are at a family function and an argument erupts or if one of your family members has a meltdown, don't rush in and try to fix the situation because chances are that they are so heated already, you might get an adverse reaction to it. Avoid trying to fix things or even try to get involved. It would be best if you refrained from giving advice or pressuring them into doing something different. (This can also be relative)

Refrain From People-Pleasing

When dealing with difficult family members, it's very tempting to engage in people-pleasing, especially in order to keep the peace. Stay true to who you are no matter how difficult the situation is. (This, in particular, I find challenging, as I often always want there to be peace. But I’ve now learnt to shut things off in my brain)

I’ve also learnt to set boundaries - If there are no boundaries, you will be a people pleaser or, worse, always pleasing your difficult family members, even if your heart isn’t in it.

Permitting yourself to leave - You should never force yourself to endure the abuse of any kind for the sake of the family or your partner. Permit yourself to go. You do not need anybody’s troubles ruining your peace.

Be selective about what information you share - Unfortunately, toxic family members are usually untrustworthy. For this reason, be careful about what information you share. People who use others often use personal information to their advantage and may even break your confidence or use the information to manipulate you in some way, or worse, talk about you to others.

I hope this can be of some help to someone.

Life is not so picturesque at times for everyone, so concentrate on the positive things and try your best to go about your day without other people’s dramas. Look after what matters the most, and reject anything that ruins your piece.