THRIVING & SURVIVING AS A SINGLE MUM

A single mom's parenting duties are no different than for a married one... except that we are on our own. Here are some of the biggest worries of new single moms and a few words of wisdom that helped me and could help you overcome them.

When my son, Zain, was four months old, his father and I split up. We both embarked on to start a new life separately. I was a hormonal, heartbroken 29-year-old, and with no job at the time, I felt crap; I nursed Zain and

That first year was chaos. It didn't help that I and my ex were bitter to each other, and I became anxious and feared him, which made me suffer from anxiety and trauma. Luckily, I had a very stable and grounded family in my life. I still used to think I was damned by constant adversities and struggled to cope with my ex and his family. It was hard. Fortunately, I had a fantastic group of family and friends who helped. Maybe none of them knew exactly what I was going through, but they all helped me tremendously, which I appreciate to this day.

After some time, I got back on my feet and ventured out. And what did I realise? I was not alone, and there were other single mums out there. According to statistics, the birth rate for unmarried women was 41 births per 1,000 between the ages of 15-44 in 2017. But the point is there are a lot of single moms out there, so if they can do it, so can we

Day-to-day duties for a solo parent are no different than they are for a married one which entails coping with sleeplessness, finding childcare, and paying bills. But... we are on our own. Even so, single mothers agree that even when overwhelmed, there's usually a way to solve problems.

Here are some of the biggest worries of new single moms and a few words of wisdom.

Parenthood is the most immense undertaking we'll ever face. But that's true even if you're married! You will get past the fear.

You can survive this or lie down and die, but I see it as not a choice; my son comes first. You move on, and you can't let anything get to you long enough to quit being a super mum. Don't go there!

One way to calm yourself is to take life one step at a time. Concentrate on one day at a time, then caring for your child, then looking for work and day-care. Forget long-term planning or strategy during those first sleep-deprived weeks or let alone those first couple of years! You have the rest of your life to plan it all out.

You'll still have fears, of course, so confide in friends and family who can give you grounded advice and who don't panic. The fact that my mother went through all the suffering with me and despite being worried about my son and me, my mother was calm, she'd say to me, "It will all work out," she gave birth to three children and still adopted one more child and a further two more children later on in her life.

Another challenge is can we support ourselves and child? Some single moms get reliable, substantial child-support payments from the baby's father. But if reading that sentence makes you laugh, you're probably one of the majority of women who don't get a cent from the dad.

My son counts on me, and I was and still am fortunate that I came from a fortunate family; I'm able to stay afloat.

I took online computer courses to enhance my skills and take up new skills, but during my whole separation ordeal, I was emotionally paralysed for a while... Having Zain was my motivation to make it happen. Because the best thing I can do for my son is show him how to be a strong, resourceful individual. The new skills paid off in the end; I managed to get a job and do some personal projects. I believe hustling brings character and strength. I've found strength through this situation.

Will people judge? There's still such harmful stigmas about single mums in society today.

Divorce and birth out of wedlock don't have the stigma that they did back in the day. How could they, with half of all marriages ending in toxic relationships and staying together because they did not allow divorce in an era where it was shamed plus a third of all secret births happening outside of marriage! Things have changed in 2021!!

I can't think of one single mom and myself included, who didn't worry a bit.

Be prepared for any number of uncomfortable situations, from disapproving grandparents to gossiping co-workers.

You may grow distant from some friends while drawing closer to others. Surround yourself with emotionally generous and secure people who boost your confidence whenever possible.

How to keep your head high if people are judgmental?

Sitting at home with only your child for company isn't going to help; you may benefit from a new-moms group. Search the Internet for ones in your neighbourhood or look for bulletins in local stores. Mingle outside your child's nursery or school with other mums, or the best one, take a gym class! This may also help you start a healthier lifestyle.

Worrying if your kid will be ok without a father around? There are as many variations on paternal involvement as there are fathers. Your child may see dad every now and then, or dad may be out of the picture, or anything in between. Of course, it's up to you to make your child feel loved no matter the circumstances.

A well-balanced child tends to be raised by at least one attentive parent or guardian who can manage stress and not play the role of victim. A healthy balance in both you and your child is important!

My trauma is my own; my son will have issues with each parent one day because it's life, and it happens. I don't need to add fuel to that.

If you're negative about men or your ex, your kid will figure that out, and It will turn around and bite you later.

I let myself play out a gory fantasy in my head and have a good giggle over it; then, I get on with doing what is truly best for my child.

And if your child's father is not in the picture, maybe even better, there will be no fuss or loss. There are good male role models if not in your own family. Among the coaches, teachers, and neighbours, you know. My personal advice to you is to find your tribe! There you find friends or family who will help with the occasional getting home late from work and, of course, your kids' playdates.

Having other people involved in your child's life also gives you a break. I count on my parents sometimes to pick up my son from school, now and then. Aunt Debby hosts the occasional slumber party for the kids. I use the time to exercise and work.

The essence of being a good parent is putting your kids' needs first, but this does not mean compromising yourself. I find it means keeping yourself as grounded and responsibly accessible as possible so you can give your kids the wonderful childhood they deserve.

Yes, we all deserve some TLC as we are not only mums but also women and humans after all.