Neurodivergente Parents

I have learned a little bit about neurodivergent platforms, but unfortunately, there is still so much to go in terms of accessibility, inclusion, and resources. So much so that I have started reading and observing it a bit more; neurodivergent platforms should have more awareness as they lack information, and often, when people find it, it’s super hard to get help.

I am no expert! This article is as much research as I have done, mixed with my own opinion.

Parenting a neurodivergent child can be exhausting. The stress, the worry, and the ongoing lists of extra things to watch out for and manage can seem endless. It breaks my heart.

Often, it feels like there's no spare moment to do anything other than be on constant guard for what is coming or might be coming.

It is hard for those who do not parent a neurodivergent child to understand how complex, sad, and draining it can be to see your child constantly triggered, flaring up in ways beyond the child’s ability to control and your ability to resolve. Parents of neurodivergent kids are frequently judged and misunderstood. The lack of understanding

Parents of neurodivergent children commonly report that when they share with other parents that things are difficult, the response is often, “Yes, my child also screams and has meltdowns.” This is a well-intended but confusing response and often leaves many parents with neurodivergent kids wondering why it is so hard to cope with things that other parents seem to manage or be judged as bad parents or bad kids.

Parenting is already challenging enough in the best of circumstances! Even neurotypical children have immature self-regulation. But parenting neurodivergent children is truly a different and whole different challenge on a whole other level. A couple commented that, with their neurotypical children, most days are rewarding, and occasionally, they have a difficult day. With their neurodivergent children, it was the other way around. The stress and trauma are complex and affect all aspects of wellness (emotional, cognitive, physical, spiritual, and social).

I have found a variety of disorders that neurodivergent parents frequently have with their kids.

Neurodivergent children often suffer from a variety of diagnoses and are vulnerable to so much more stress. This includes parents of children with Sensory Processing Disorders (SPD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), conduct disorder, Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD), and neuroimmune conditions such as PANDAS/PANS/AE and many more.

What these kids have in common is the reptilian part of their brain, which is unusually sensitive and reactive. Once triggered, it persists in controlling brain functions longer than it should. This means that tantrums, meltdowns, or high anxiety are more easily set off and last longer than usual.

In other words, they are always on alert mode much more of the time. Their reptilian brain’s primary purpose is to ensure survival in emergencies, and their immediate responses are where their flight risk mode is more dominant.

The world expects children, like adults, to have a normal mode, with the rational/thinking brain (neocortex) in control. Of course, adults intuitively know that emotions often overtake children. But most also expect that upset children will usually soon calm down with a bit of guidance and discipline. But for neurodivergent children often can’t calm down. Worried parents respond by increasing the intensity of their reactions and discipline, which often makes children react further and become even more out of control.

When parents eventually reach out for help, they often end up with the wrong kind of advice. Hence, so much awareness is lacking. Behavioural and cognitive methods should not be the first line of intervention in most circumstances for neurodivergent children. For therapists, this lies at the core of their training and treatments.

There’s no single method alone that can bring the much-needed stability parents desperately look for. Behavioural and cognitive approaches have a lot to offer in working with neurodivergent children, but parents or therapists who rely exclusively on higher-brain-centred approaches inevitably and often get stuck. All aspects of wellness and functioning need to be considered at the same time, all the time (emotional, cognitive, physical, spiritual, and social)

In addition, it’s equally important that parents and families also address the toll of the stress and trauma that they, as caregivers, are facing because of neurodivergence.

Parents with neurodivergent kids are often Feeling inadequate, ashamed, and guilty; these feelings are common for neurodivergent families, and the best strategy for living with these inevitable feelings is somewhat counterintuitive: Don’t try to change how you feel, better yet let it out its healthy! It's ok to deal with stress, and most of all, it is good when you have a good family support system. That goes with any family.

Trying to change how we feel can be good, but it is very often linked with a bad signal that something needs to be changed or we need to be fixed. This signal is so stressful that it can activate our survival mechanism and add to our stress. …again, this goes for anybody.

It is natural, of course, to want to avoid discomfort, fear, or pain. But these come with life's determination to make them disappear; we only need to keep them in the centre of our awareness. For most people, it works better to focus just on the problem area instead of expanding on it and, in some way, dealing with it in a different way.

Accepting the pain that life brings rather than fighting, it requires self-compassion. Most of us recognise the value of compassion towards others and try to be kind and empathetic. Because this is just what the world needs, in my opinion.  But living well also requires self-compassion, directing kindness towards oneself. Self-compassion is an emotionally positive self-attitude that can protect against the negative consequences of self-judgment and/or isolation.

For many of us, it isn't easy to feel and direct kindness towards ourselves. It is especially difficult when we feel helpless in the face of pain carried by our kids or someone we love. We want to make things better. It's natural rite! We feel responsible for doing so. When we can’t, we feel deep down that we are failing.

This struggle is baked into the dynamics of neurodivergent parenting. No matter how loving or skilled parents are, there is no escaping the reality and response that neurodivergent children have, which is often met with a reactive response. Things taken for granted are essential to life: eating, sleeping, bathing, dressing, exercising, socialising, exploring. Virtually everything parents do with and for their children is a potential battleground.

Frustration and disappointment are inevitable for us. It is difficult not to judge ourselves for everything we wish we could have or should have done differently. Many parents get sucked into a downward cycle of their own, dominated by self-criticism and constant struggle to change, to be “better,” to fix everything that is wrong.

Self-compassion offers a path out of this trap. For neurodivergent parents, it requires a lot more. It does not require you to be grateful for what life has brought you, nor does it mean pitying yourself for your difficulties. Instead, it means simply getting attuned to how you feel and, as you are able and, honouring that feeling without self-judgment.

I am not a neurodivergent parent, but I do understand what it's like and have a lot of compassion for families with neurodivergent kids.