Neurodivergente Parents

I've gained some knowledge about neurodivergent platforms, but there is still a long way to go in terms of accessibility, inclusion, and resources. I've started delving deeper into this topic because there's a lack of awareness and information about neurodivergent platforms. It's often difficult for people to find help when they need it.

I am no expert, nor am I a parent of a neurodivergent child! This article is as much research as I have done, mixed with my opinion.

Parenting a neurodivergent child can be exhausting. The stress, worry, and ongoing lists of extra things to watch out for and manage can seem endless. It breaks my heart. I've seen it. Often, there's no spare moment to do anything other than be on constant guard for what is coming or might be coming. I’ve seen it.

It's difficult for those who don't parent a neurodivergent child to understand how complex, heartbreaking, and draining it can be to witness your child constantly triggered, reacting in ways beyond their control and your ability to resolve. Parents of neurodivergent kids are often judged and misunderstood, which leads to a lack of understanding.

Parents of neurodivergent children often find that when they express the challenges they face, the response they receive is usually, 'Yes, my child also screams and has meltdowns.' While this response may be well-intended, it can be confusing and leave many parents of neurodivergent kids wondering why they find it so difficult to cope with these challenges when other parents seem to manage or be judged as bad parents or bad kids.

Parenting is already challenging enough in the best of circumstances! Even neurotypical children have immature self-regulation. But parenting neurodivergent children is truly a different and a whole different challenge on a whole other level. A couple commented that, with their neurotypical children, most days are rewarding, and occasionally, they have a difficult day. With their neurodivergent children, it was the other way around. The stress and trauma are complex and affect all aspects of wellness (emotional, cognitive, physical, spiritual, and social).

 I have found a variety of disorders that neurodivergent parents frequently have with their kids.

Neurodivergent children often suffer from a variety of diagnoses and are vulnerable to so much more stress. This includes parents of children with Sensory Processing Disorders (SPD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), conduct disorder, Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD), and neuroimmune conditions such as PANDAS/PANS/AE and many more.

What these kids have in common is the reptilian part of their brain, which is unusually sensitive and reactive. Once triggered, it persists in controlling brain functions longer than it should. This means that tantrums, meltdowns, or high anxiety are more easily set off and last longer than usual.

In other words, they are always on alert mode much more of the time. Their reptilian brain’s primary purpose is to ensure survival in emergencies, and their immediate responses are where their flight risk mode is more dominant.

The world expects children, like adults, to have a normal mode, with the rational/thinking brain (neocortex) in control. Of course, adults intuitively know that emotions often overtake children. However, most also expect that upset children will usually soon calm down with a bit of guidance and discipline. But neurodivergent children frequently can’t calm down. Worried parents respond by increasing the intensity of their reactions and discipline, which often makes children react further and become even more out of control.

The current lack of awareness often leads to parents receiving unhelpful advice when they seek help. It's important to note that behavioural and cognitive approaches may not be the most effective first intervention for neurodivergent children in many cases. This is a fundamental aspect of therapists' training and treatment methods.

It's important to understand that no single approach can provide the stability parents seek when raising neurodivergent children. While behavioural and cognitive methods are helpful, relying solely on higher-brain-centred approaches can lead to roadblocks. It's essential to simultaneously consider all aspects of wellness and functioning - including emotional, cognitive, physical, spiritual, and social needs.

Moreover, it's crucial for parents and families to address the stress and trauma they experience as caregivers of neurodivergent children.

Parents with neurodivergent kids often Feel inadequate, ashamed, and guilty; these feelings are common for neurodivergent families, and the best strategy for living with these inevitable feelings is somewhat counterintuitive: Don’t try to change how you feel; better yet, let it out it’s healthy! It's ok to deal with stress; most of all, having a sound family support system is good. That goes with any family.

Trying to change how we feel can be good, but it is very often linked with an alarming signal that something needs to be changed or we need to be fixed. This signal is so stressful that it can activate our survival mechanism and add to our stress. …again, this goes for anybody.

It is natural, of course, to want to avoid discomfort, fear, or pain. But these come with life's determination to make them disappear; we only need to keep them in the centre of our awareness. For most people, it works better to focus just on the problem area instead of expanding on it and, in some way, dealing with it in a different way.

Accepting the pain that life brings rather than fighting it requires self-compassion. Most of us recognise the value of compassion towards others and try to be kind and empathetic. I believe this is precisely what the world needs. But living well also requires self-compassion, which means directing kindness towards oneself. Self-compassion is an emotionally positive self-attitude that can protect against the negative consequences of self-judgment and/or isolation.

For many, feeling and directing kindness towards ourselves isn't easy. It is tough when we feel helpless in the face of pain carried by our kids or someone we love. We want to make things better. It's natural rite! We feel responsible for doing so. When we can’t, we feel deep down that we are failing.

This struggle is baked into the dynamics of neurodivergent parenting. No matter how loving or skilled parents are, there is no escaping the reality and response that neurodivergent children have, which is often met with a reactive response. Things taken for granted are essential to life: eating, sleeping, bathing, dressing, exercising, socialising, exploring. Virtually everything parents do with and for their children is a potential battleground.

Frustration and disappointment are inevitable for us. It is difficult not to judge ourselves for everything we wish we could have or should have done differently. Many parents get sucked into a downward cycle of their own, dominated by self-criticism and constant struggle to change, to be “better,” to fix everything that is wrong.

Self-compassion offers a path out of this trap. For neurodivergent parents, it requires a lot more. It does not require you to be grateful for what life has brought you, nor does it mean pitying yourself for your difficulties. Instead, it means simply getting attuned to how you feel and, as you are able and, honouring that feeling without self-judgment.

I am not a neurodivergent parent, but I do understand what it's like and have a lot of compassion for families with neurodivergent kids.