6 Strategies for a single successful mum

First of all, I’d like to say single mothers are heroic! and in case nobody has told you… You're doing such a fantastic job!!

I’m not going to worry about being too profesh here. I’ll tell it how I think it is or my honest opinion.

1 Assemble a support team. 

A few months after I gave birth to my four-year-old son, Zain, I plunged into single motherhood four months after, and pretty fast! I found myself going through a significant break-up and the beginning of a traumatic experience. I would burst into tears at any moment; I feared the slightest ping my phones made because I feared who was at the other end of the phone. Things are bad before they get better. AND… they do get better! 

Never did I think it would, so don’t despair. 

Family can be a very good support mentally and physically. I would glance at my baby and wonder how I would manage going through the whole situation. No wonder I felt frazzled! 

In the end, I had everything I needed and found I was happy to hold mom little boy and feel fulfilled. 

As a first-time single mom with a new baby on board, I now realise that I was clearly emotional, exhausted, and stressed. But at that moment, I was also struck with happiness as I held my son and my family around me. I didn’t have bills to pay; Family members would run around me and held it 24 hours in the day. I was grateful. 

More than four years later, I can safely say that being a single mum has at times been complex and demanding, but it's also had great rewards if you're a single parent by circumstance or by choice; you'll no doubt hit some bumps and turns along the way. 

Here are six strategies that can help you weather the rough times and enhance the joy of parenting.

2 Get out there and socialise

It's hard to even admit to ourselves initially, but the truth is we really do need other mothers to bounce off energies. Went don’t always need to find support groups, but there are plenty of opportunities, such as your child’s growths stages, like a nursery! or new school. Use that moment to get to know other mothers, and this will be the start to a journey you and your child will both embark on. You may find that other mothers are reluctant to socialise with you for one reason or another, but the fact is they don’t know you.

Don’t feel like you're an outsider because there are other mothers who are friendly and talkative. Get into outside activity with your children, like sports or anything your child is into. It will be both fulfilling mentally, and it’s a good bonding opportunity, there you find other mums who do the same thing and eventually meet other single mothers. You’ll be reeling out on weekends doing outside activities and bonding with other parents before you know it. It’s a learning curve to find different perspectives of different parents and other single mums. It’s refreshing what you find and, at times, a hidden stigma around single mothers.

Finding someone like-minded who will understand your situation with all the challenges might seem like an impossible challenge. But this is NOT dating. You are just starting to find new friendships. Please don't take it the hard way when other parents don’t immediately take a liking to you. It’s part of the process. Relax and take your time. Do not rush with these things, you don’t want to put yourself into an overwhelming situation. It's an excellent time to bond, check the waters and essentially see where you fit in.

Single motherhood is a hard one but such a special one too. Don't forget that your child is doing the same things as you! Starting a new nursery or school is just as overwhelming for them as it is for you. They need all your attention too. So much you will both be doing together, and not saying it’s the same, but it’s equally an overwhelming moment. Not to trigger away from the subject..not trying to compare both stages but use all those special moments to learn and go with it. 

3 Set out clear goals

It's essential to have a clear picture in your mind of what you want for yourself and your kids. This is where the conviction, determination, and commitment comes from; you need to be a single solid parent. I particularly look to my family members for advice. The men in my family are very grounded and strong-minded. I’m the youngest of 5 boys, 3 being parents already. So, what goals should you be setting for yourself and your family? Depending on where you are right now, simple goals like creating a morning routine to make getting out the door on time easier to build a long-term goal. Like going back to school, relocating to be near family, managing your money more effectively. 

No one juggles more than working single mothers. You’ve got your schedule to manage, plus your kids' regular routines, homework, and then all the packing and transportation that goes along with managing. To get organised, try using an online calendaring system like Google Calendar. This tool allows you to create calendars, manage repeating events, and share calendars with family members…like your parents and your ex. Once you get comfortable using whatever it is that helps you manage, get into the habit of adding new items to the calendars as soon as they come in, like school events and your kids after school events.

Don't forget about yourself! Because we are also humans, right!? Don't forget to take care of yourself in between all the set goals because we can pretty much get lost in all the time we set for our kids. You're time, and you matter too. Happy mother, happy kids, happy kids, happy mother. Be flexible with yourself and your kids and be firm in setting up how you will run life. Most important, believe in yourself! You got it, Mumma!

4 Working and juggling kids

Managing and mastering your career as a single working mother has those moments, but you also have the satisfaction of maintaining ambition and meaningful work-life while raising children alone. You serve as a role model of persistence and strength not just for your kids but for other mothers as well. I’m fortunate to have family who helps me with child care. This also helps save, and the benefit is that you leave your little angels with someone you trust. Finding your tribe is fantastic!

Single parenting does not mean you have to feel alone in the community of single working mothers. For support from a like-minded tribe, such as my family and cousins, it’s Empowering to Solo Moms Everywhere. My divorce drove home the additional emotional toll of having my family take on my suffering,  but I could not be any more grateful.

When single moms need support, friends tend to take sides or drift away. My post-divorce loneliness inspired me to build a community where solo doesn't mean alone. 

Having this community means you can rely on each other too, for example, swap childcare duties with other mothers you work with or who live nearby or use your family members if you're lucky. Be reliable so that you can expect others to be reliable as well. It equally is gifting, and you build a real sense of tribe. Know what you can get out of work because jobs can sometimes be so hard to be understanding of your situation. Find friendly parent companies to work for, where there is flexibility because the costs of child care can sometimes take a toll on our pockets.  I’m mean, come on, helping us out! Luckily here in the UK, school is free (Not counting on equipment that your kids need through school life) except for exceptional circumstances where you're putting your children through private school. This isn’t just the ordinary family if you can pull it off. But all single mothers need a financial adviser! this helps big

5 Get that financial adviser! 

All mothers love their children, but single parents are particularly heroic; they go out and beyond to get the test toy or their favourite game. But for some, that devotion can slip into sacrifice, especially when money is tight. That can be a slippery slope. They sometimes seem not able to say no to their child. If you teach your child very early on, it can be rewarding. I gave my son a piggy bank and everyone, and then he put a coin or even money. It’s good to see them find out how much they have at the end. This is also an educational benefit you offer them. Always saying “yes” to the latest sneakers or video games can convey a lack of financial discipline to kids.

Another unintended consequence is when single mothers put their children ahead of their own needs. Breaking the bank can put you in financial trouble. If they had set more aside or had been more disciplined, it would be equally suitable for both you and your child. It can be difficult as kids don’t have that self-control. Ever walked into a store, and your kid breaks into a fit because they want a toy? Yeh, it can be heard. Designating a financial adviser is crucial, especially for mums who are single by choice. Start with a good foundation because everything rests on it.

A solid emergency fund is the first step. Get a savings account for emergency expenses to cover you. Losing your job or being unable to meet the usual bills will put you in a dire situation. Calculate a month of expenses and remember to add whatever costs the kids have each month, including sports and activity fees, school lunches and transportation, and clothing or school supplies. Go!

6 Empowerment

Being a single mum is an eye-opening experience, but it can also empower. We struggle so much that we barely see how good a job we’re actually doing. To all the single moms out there struggling,  you will get through this, and in case no one has told you yet, you're doing a fantastic job. 

Since becoming a single mom five years ago, I've experienced judgment, pity and misunderstanding. But what most people fail to notice is that alongside the downsides, I find solo parenting to be empowering.. despite all the struggles. 

Since my divorce, I've even considered having a second child via donor conception and fertility treatments, which is one of the bravest and best decisions some women take. And I ’v decided to one day do it again. 

Motherhood is a journey. When you travel it alone, without trying and often without noticing, you build an extremely high level of independence. You build strength and resilience. Parenting without a teammate to divide tasks with, provide a timeout, and/or share decisions can push you to develop more skills and patience than ever imagined. 

Like freedom, bravery, independence and all with love, each has its rewards in every shape and form. No one is there to challenge you..apart from my four year old who is pretty demanding already.